Itachi's Day Off
by Acain Keyrose
Summary: Itachi uses an old ploy he once used on his parents in order to take a day off.


AN: This was started from a random idea sparked by a conversation with my sister. I'm telling you ahead of time that while this is rated T Hidan has bad language and therefore will be screaming various profanities throughout this story. You have been warned.

The cover picture is not mine though I absolutely love it!

Review!

 **Itachi's Day Off**

Inspired By Masashi Kishimoto's _Naruto_

In the dark of the night only one silent form slipped through the trees, clearly searching for something. Its eyes suddenly flashed red and black as it caught sight of what it wanted, instantly rushing forward to catch it with ease. As quickly and quietly as possible the form removed its headband and wrapped it around the captured creature loosely before adding a small string with paper attached to it around its neck.

Without so much as a word the figure snuck into a small cabin that was barely noticeable in the woods- without triggering a single trap- and went to a door that led to another room in the cabin, where it promptly opened the door and proceeded to toss the creature in. Before the animal could try to escape the door was closed and the figure disappeared.

~oOo~

Kisame Hoshigaki sat up in his futon with a yawn, his arms stretching over his head lazily. For a moment he had to glance around him, taking in his surroundings as he tried to remember why he was in such a dumpy-looking room. Then he remembered and groaned.

It was the day of the meeting.

The dreaded biannual meeting was one of only two times in the year the Akatsuki ever joined together in person at one of their various secret bases to discuss their plans. It was also the only two times of the year that Hidan regretted his immortality because he wanted to kill himself from boredom… or so he claimed. But seeing as, more often than not, what came out of his mouth was a long list of profanities or pointless religious preaching, Kisame didn't put much faith in what Hidan said.

With a sigh he stood and dressed before leaving his temporary room in order to make his way to Itachi's assigned chambers so he could complain about the meeting. Itachi wouldn't care about what he would have to say, but at least he would listen in silence.

Once the blue-skinned male reached his usual partner's door he knocked and called loudly, "Hey, Itachi!"

Kisame frowned at the answering silence. Itachi was always awake by now, and if he was awake he would have told his visitor to "Enter" in his normal toneless voice as he had done, without fail, for as long as Kisame had known him. There was no reason for him to not answer his door.

His frown deepening, Hoshigaki swung the door open only to have his eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he questioned loudly in confusion, "What the hell is this?"

In Itachi's assigned room, curled up right on his futon, was a small, furry brown mammal that appeared to be sleeping. As if summoned by his inquiry Tobi opened the door of his own chambers a few doors down and trotted pleasantly over to Kisame as he continued to stare uncomprehendingly into the room.

Tobi, as usual, was a morning person and squealed happily, "Good morning, Kisame! What are you looking at?" He stood on his tiptoes to peer past the taller male's shoulder before his single visible eye widened behind his mask and he gasped, "Oh my god! What happened to Itachi?"

Kisame blinked and turned to stare at the Akatsuki's newest member strangely while simultaneously raising a finger to point at the mammal in question, "That's not Itachi."

"Yes it is!" Tobi nodded energetically and also pointed, "It even says so on the nametag around his neck!"

Kisame, wondering what nonsense he was spouting, looked back at the small animal skeptically. There was indeed a small paper nametag around the creature's neck, the name "ITACHI" written on it in bold black ink. He also noticed that Itachi's headband was wrapped securely around its waist.

The larger man sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, continuing to stare at the mammal, "Well, why would Itachi be a muskrat-"

At his words the newbie had the nerve to sound offended, "He's not a _muskrat_! He's a _weasel_!"

"Muskrat. Weasel. Whatever," Kisame rolled his pale eyes in annoyance, "I just want to know why you seem to think Itachi is that fuzzy creature. I'm pretty sure he didn't have that much hair yesterday and-"

Before he could finish a door several rooms down slammed open and Hidan- who was obviously _not_ a morning person- stomped out, normally slicked silver hair mussed with bedhead as he yelled irately, "What the fuck is up with all the noise so fucking early in the fucking morning?!" Once he reached them he turned to look into Itachi's room and resumed his shouting, albeit with more confusion than before, "Why the fuck is there a fucking rat in that bastard Itachi's fucking room?"

The weasel in Itachi's room woke up at Hidan's screamed vulgarities and blinked at them blearily with dark eyes, slowly standing and stretching as Tobi corrected in a whiny voice, "It's a _weasel_ and the weasel is Itachi!"

For a moment Hidan paused, almost as if he didn't know what to say, before he burst into wild laughter, "That thing? _Itachi_? Fat fucking chance!" As if to prove his point he swaggered into Itachi's room and crouched next to the small creature- which was now bristling and growling- before proceeding to jab its head viscously with his pointer finger, "If it were that asshole Itachi then it would attack me when I did this-"

Before he could finish his sentence the weasel became a brown blur and launched itself at his face, earning a shrieked response from Hidan, "Son of a-"

He was cut off once more as he fell to the floor, writhing as he struggled to remove the mammal from his face. Unsurprisingly, the entire time he fought to remove the beast Hidan let loose a string of profanities.

As Kisame watched the scene play out he scratched the back of his head and considered, "Huh. Maybe it _is_ Itachi."

~oOo~

Quite a while later after Kisame and Tobi had finally managed to remove the violently struggling weasel from Hidan's now heavily-scratched face the trio proceeded to the meeting in the cabin's secret basement, the supposed "Itachi" being held at arm's length by Kisame. Upon arriving to the meeting all murmured chatter came to a halt instantly, everyone's complete focus landing on the group and their odd addition.

Pein, being the leader and thus having to regularly put up with the various Akatsuki member's antics, asked with a vague gesture towards the weasel and a resigned sigh, "What is that and why did you see fit to bring it to a highly classified meeting, Kisame?"

"This," the blue-skinned male reluctantly began with a small shake of the weasel that earned a growl from it in response, "is a weasel that we found in Itachi's room which is- according to Tobi as well as its nametag- Itachi."

A single orange eyebrow rose on Pein's face even as Deidera scoffed loudly from his lounging position on a cushion on the stone floor, "That is _not_ Itachi."

"I thought so, too," Kisame shrugged before jabbing a thumb towards Hidan, "But then it beat the shit out of Hidan, so…"

"Wait, seriously?" The blonde stared at the weasel in surprise, glancing towards the silver-haired Akatsuki member after a moment, "You got your ass handed to you be something the size of a _cat_?"

The immortal growled, stalking towards his designated spot, "Shut it, blondie."

Their leader, though already messaging his forehead to ward off his rapidly forming headache, decided that there were some battles that were just too stupid to be fought. With his hand still firmly in place and his eyes closing in resignation he lifted his other hand to point towards where the rest of the Akatsuki were sitting.

"Just… find your seats so we can get this meeting started. We're already behind schedule."

They did as they were told, Kisame taking a moment to place the squirming animal on the cushion where Itachi usually sat. It merely dug its claws into the pillow, dark eyes darting around suspiciously as it did.

Once all the Akatsuki members were seated Hidan grumbled, shooting dirty looks in the weasel's direction, "Stupid Itachi probably has rabies," he scratched his head agitatedly, "And possibly fleas."

"The only one liable to have fleas in this organization is _you_ , Hidan," Kakuzu retorted scathingly, causing the immortal to flip him off in response.

"Fuck you."

 _Children_ , the heavily-pierced male mentally groaned as the pair continued to squabble, _They're all enormous_ _ **children**_ _._ He glanced towards Konan on his left side, hoping to find at least one sensible person among them. Instead he found the blue-haired woman with her eyes locked on "Itachi", hesitantly chewing her lip behind her cloak's high collar while her pale fingers twitched as if itching to stroke his fur.

Kisame and Deidera were sitting comfortably in their own spots, eyes inevitably straying towards their furry addition as well. Tobi, predictably, was on his hands and knees in his spot next to a silent Zetsu on the other side of the room. One of his hands was raised invitingly towards the weasel as he cooed and squeaked in an attempt to coax it over to him, undoubtedly in hopes of getting it close enough to pet and snuggle. _His high station in this organization- little known as it is- only makes this situation all the more degrading._

Pein cleared his throat audibly to regain the attention of the other occupants of the room, "Now, for our first order of business-"

Before another word could escape him a brown blur zipped across the room to his left, a small yelp of surprise escaping the only female present. "Itachi", having grown tired of his former perch, had chosen a new one right in the middle of Konan's previously unoccupied lap. For a moment silence reigned, every male's eyes widening in shock as they took in the new sight, glancing between Konan's rapidly flushing face and Pein's increasingly stormy expression. Purple eyes narrowing dangerously, Pein inwardly hissed, _No. Oh, no. Weasel or not, there are some lines that just aren't to be crossed- and_ _ **crawling into Konan's lap**_ _is one of them._

Stiffly and with thinly concealed venom lacing his tone Pein stated, "That is inappropriate behavior… Itachi." A small growl began to form in the back of his throat, "Remove yourself from her person _immediately_."

The weasel seemed to dig its claws deeper into her cloak, tightening its grip with a defiant hiss in his direction.

 _Oh, it is_ _ **on**_ _._

In seconds the meeting descended into chaos as shrieks and hysterical laughter echoed in a deafening cacophony around the basement.

Kakuzu, still calmly seated while few others seemed to be, muttered scornfully, "They're all _idiots_ …"

Nevertheless, in the back of his mind he couldn't help but wonder just how much he could get for selling a weasel… or its pelt.

~oOo~

The Akatsuki member who had unwittingly caused such a ruckus, however, was now steadily nearing the cabin. There had been a tea ceremony taking place in a nearby village that he had wanted to see that, if he had gone to the Akatsuki meeting as he was supposed to have, he would have missed. So, naturally, he had decided that once- _just_ _ **once**_ \- he would play hooky. After all, he had no other blemishes on his record with the S-Rank organization and was surely going to die within the year, so why couldn't he take a day off?

His scheme only became simpler when he used an old trick he used to employ on his parents all the time when he was skipping their boring Uchiha Clan meetings as a young teen. Though his parents likely knew he hadn't _actually_ transformed into a weasel they were always willing to let it pass, perhaps because they thought his play on his name to be amusing. The Akatsuki, though certainly not his family, would probably allow the swap to pass for the same reason. If nothing else, Pein wouldn't know what else to do in the unprecedented situation. Granted he would probably be in for a thorough lecture once he returned, but he expected that that would be the worst of his punishment.

True the conference was supposed to be mandatory for all Akatsuki members, but _surely_ , after all this time, they could handle one meeting _without_ his unwavering presence to keep them on track?

Itachi came from his musings upon reaching the cabin, stealthily slipping inside and moving towards the hidden stairs to the basement. To his surprise, instead of the typical business-like tones he would hear this late into the meeting he heard… was that Deidera _laughing_?

With a frown marring his features he hastened the rest of the way down the steps only to abruptly stop at the bottom of the stairs in order to try to puzzle out what he was seeing. Pein, to his surprise, appeared to be yanking the weasel he had placed in his room earlier that day by its back feet, attempting to pry it from its spot on a blushing Konan's lap while it snarled and struggled. Deidera was collapsed on the floor, wheezing and choking on laughter as he writhed about and his legs flailed carelessly.

Tobi, from his spot on all fours next to the blonde, whined and practically wailed, "Let go of her, Itachi! _I_ want to cuddle you now!"

On the other side of the masked male Zetsu sat, rather uncomfortably, and hesitantly offered, "Er, would you like me to eat him, Lord Pein?"

Kisame, to Itachi's dismay, was looking at the weasel with a light of respect in his pale eyes, "I never would've thought he had it in him, the gutsy bastard."

Hidan was standing, cloak ripped off with his face torn up with scratches as he stomped his foot and pointed at the weasel, screaming profanities that would've made most people blush. Kakuzu, perhaps the most reasonable of them all, merely remained seated with his face resting securely in his palm and a look of disgust and irritation on his face.

Even with his failing eyesight the Uchiha couldn't deny the strangeness of what lay before him.

Wordlessly Itachi turned around and walked away.

~oOoOo~

Half a year had passed and the next meeting had come along like clockwork, though Pein had found that he was in no better of a situation. A groan escaping him he could barely bring himself to look at what was in front of him.

Finally he managed to force out, "Tobi… where is everyone?"

The orange-masked male responded cheerfully, "Well, Kakuzu died and Hidan was shoved in a hole-"

"Not _them_ ," Pein snapped, "I _know_ what happened to _them_. I was talking about Itachi and Kisame!"

"They're here," Tobi responded poutily, pointing behind him, " _See_?"

What the dark-haired man was pointing to was, in fact, a gray weasel that bristled and spat at anything within five meters of it and a moderately sized orange and white koi fish that swam in fretful circles in a fish bowl that didn't seem quite big enough for it.

At that moment the only sound that echoed through the room was that of Pein's palm meeting his forehead.


End file.
